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Q & A "Ask Sari" Advice Column for Women with AD/HD Archives

September 2002

Dear Sari: A woman asks if I still struggle with ADHD symptoms and discusses her own good relationship with her husband.

Sari's response: Yes, I still struggle with the same primary symptoms as anyone else but I don't have the worthless part that you asked about. That is the place where you have to work in order to meet the goals you mentioned. You need to get the support you need in order to be able to focus on what your good at so that you can continue to build your self worth. In terms of having a great relationship with your husband for so long, that is a great plus as Ed Hallowell, states, "The best treatment for one with ADD is to marry the right person."

August 2002

Dear Sari: A man writes in about what to do in a family where everyone has AD/HD.

Sari's response: Since you have online capabilities you may want to contact a resourceful and reputable site www.addconsults.com for books on couples with ADD. My advice is to hold on tight. You need support, both emotional and physical and may find it with friends, relatives, professionals, coaches, tutors, or household help. Figure out exactly what is the great need. You probably will need some coaching or counseling to figure out a plan. Please don't try and do it alone. Laugh a lot and value your differences. Make sure everyone is doing something they are good at some of the time. Protect your time together as a couple away from the areas of chaos and conflict. Work on accepting that you will be different than non-add families. Find other like minded people.

June 2002

Writer: A woman writes to say she still loses her temper even after medication. She would like to laugh instead of getting upset and learn other ways to handle frustrations such as being logged off her computer just as she was about to win a game.

Sari's response: Here are some suggestions:

1. Share these kinds of stories with other people with ADD and have a joint laugh, in order to gain perspective, which is easy to lose with ADD. Listen to other people's stories. This could be in online groups, or my discussion forum - www.sarisolden.com. You might write an article, read what others have written, go to support groups or conferences such as CHADD (www.chadd.org) or ADDA (www.add.org).
2. Protect yourself as much as possible from what you know causes these sudden losses of perspective. Minimize the potential frustrations by using for example sound blocks or notes on your door telling people not to enter during a certain time period. Operate your brain like a fragile rare instrument that needs proper care and delicate handling.
3. Make sure your medications are working optimally and you are on the right ones.
4. Watch your self talk, such as "that's the ADD again" instead of for example "what a loser I am". This way you won't add to the frustration barrage of self blame.
5. Program yourself to laugh every time you find your dog looking as you say he does after one of your outbursts
6. Make sure you have enough to do in your life that is meaningful and important to you to counteract these difficulties.

July 2002

Writer: Question was whether any women feel better before learning they have ADHD. This woman is going on 40 and has been diagnosed for four years and feels worse about it now.

Sari's response: If you have not been diagnosed until adulthood and then get a diagnosis without the kind of treatment that can help you sort out and come to terms with this kind of experience then it makes sense that you would feel worse. That is why I have written my new book,"Journeys Through ADDulthood". This unfortunately is a common experience although most people don't talk about it. Even though many feel relief and hope at first, months and years later many are not feeling better. Medication is critical and I don't know if you've found anything helpful. Beyond that you need to find a therapist or coach that can help you sort through your self image feelings about your differences, your choices, relationships, etc. These are complex issues that you need to confront in order to make this transition. Investigate help in your area, such as support groups and conferences.

May 2002

Writer: I am a 30 year old mother with ADD. My 11 1/2 year old daughter is starting to realize my inefficiencies and unorganized traits that so many of us with ADD have. I can't remember dates, names, appointments, etc, unless I write them down on the BIG calendar in the kitchen. I keep a daybook, but often forget to look at it. She is at that age where she is asking a lot of questions about anything! She also talks a lot and she notices when she looses me. (my mind wanders) I often say "I don't know" and "huh?" and she gets frustrated and angry at me and thinks I am uninterested in what she has to say, and I think she thinks I am stupid! She knows our house is not as organized as her friends' with they're supermoms. And she wonders why I never make it on time to appointments and why the laundry rarely gets completely finished. Since I was only recently diagnosed, I haven't told many people. And those who do know act like they don't believe me. Even my sisters, mom, dad, everyone doubts it. They think I am just playing some sort of game. A lot of therapists even look at me strange when I mention it. I am on medication and it helps but it is not the "cure all." I am still very forgetful. I seem to be getting a lot more done but am still very forgetful. Anyway ... because of all the negativity surrounding my diagnoses, I am not very apt to tell people. Should I tell my daughter about it? I think she should know, but I don't know how to explain it to her. And I am afraid she may be ashamed of me. And also, since she shows some of the signs of ADD, I don't want her to think there is something wrong with her as well. Al though I am watching her closely, I don't want to put anything into her head. What can I do? Its embarrassing when she has to remind me about things all the time. (doctor appts, school activities, signing off on homework, conferences etc.). Any suggestions would help.

Sari's response: I too am the mother of a preteen daughter. I think it is so difficult for any mother of a girl this age because they frequently meet with disapproval from their daughters at a stage in their life when they are often faced with the loss of their own ideal images. On the other hand, how valuable it can be to be a role model for your daughter at a time when she is struggling with the pain of feeling different or that she doesn't fit in or does not match some perfect image she is trying to live up to. You can model that having differences or difficulties even though painful is something to be coped with but not crippled by and that the goal for each of you is to strive to be a whole person. You can join with her in this way or at least convey your own personal efforts and challenges. Model the struggle of someone living with differences without letting them color your self concept in a negative way. In order to do this you must first work internally to really feel strong and whole despite your difficulties. When you are able to feel whole in any way you won't feel so vulnerable. You will be able to get support such as a coach or organizer. People take cues from you and remember all moms feel stupid and vulnerable around preteens who recognize our imperfections, ADD or not.

April 2002

I received this email but I found it so helpful that in addition to answering it, I asked for permission to print the writer's comments as well.

Writer: I feel acutely uncomfortable when I am having company at my home and my female guests try to help me in the kitchen.

Some women are considerate enough to ask if they may help, and if I discourage it, will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," and go back to the living room to chat with the others. I do have a few friends who are determined to help, and that is where my problem is.

I have a hard time doing certain tasks with others present. Some kitchen tasks are like that for me. Also there is a sense of real "stimulus overload" with another woman in the kitchen who is asking "where do you keep your (name of kitchen implement or food) which impedes me no end in doing my own tasks. I don't know if other ADD women do this, but some of my kitchen items don't have a "place" - it is wherever I have room to stash them when I unload the dishwasher. It's those infrequently used items that I bring out at parties, such as the chip and dip dish, that tend to get put away any old place I have room. I feel like I am constantly being pulled off-task by these questions. The kitchen help would be easier to manage if I didn't have the distraction of the questions.

Some women can prepare food for guests and chat at the same time. I have trouble with this, unless it is a simple snack. I find that having to hold a conversation and do complex jobs in the kitchen with several dishes demanding my attention at once to be really difficult to handle.

I would really like to be like other women and function well with others in the kitchen. Do you think it would be help to plan in advance what people could do to help me, put the required materials where they can find them easily, and give them these jobs to do? Another thing I could do would be to have help in the kitchen with tasks that gradually increase in difficulty for me, and work up to the dinner party kitchen help.

Or should I just be frank and tell people that having someone try to help me in the kitchen for more than a short period of time just distracts me and gets in my way and I would prefer them not to?

I don't have this problem with cleaning up - it is very helpful for people to stack plates and silverware in the dishwasher and throw out trash. The only problem there is when people try to put away the food and ask me various questions regarding that.

My ADD affects me mostly in the areas of distractibility and stimulus overload. I feel like I am about to "short-circuit" when I would like to enjoy my company. I am reasonably well-organized. I am not particularly impulsive (except sometimes under stress). I tend to tire easily and have little energy. I also can tune out when something doesn't interest me, or shut down with too much sensory overload.

I would normally try to have a simple snack rather than a whole meal, but I have several friends who live more than an hour away, and I feel like I should at least offer a meal.

I would appreciate any advice you could give about how I should handle this problem.

Sari's response: You have explained the problem beautifully that so many women face as well as you have offered great alternatives for handling this situation including alternatives such as direct communication to advance preparation for a situation that you know will need special handling. You obviously know your brain well and are handling your ADD challenges as best as can be expected. The goal is not to get over your challenges but to handle them in this kind of experimental way. You are moving more and more toward accepting yourself obviously and this is what is allowing you to brainstorm so well.

March 2002

What is your advice on whether to inform your employers that you have ADD? I am a customer care consultant and sometimes I just want to tell them but on the other hand I don't want to jeopardize my position. I have been doing the same job for 8 years and believe me my ADD could explain to them a lot of my shortcomings.

An answer to this question was provided by ADD Coach Nancy Ratey. Thank you Nancy for your input!

Generally speaking I always advise people not to disclose unless it is done with a very specific purpose in mind, meaning if you need an accommodation. If not, then it is not advisable. It sounds to me your employer values your work despite your own feeling about your performance since they have kept you on for 8 years! Maybe setting some time aside to brainstorm some ideas with your boss about how you could improve your performance would help? That way it will show initiative on your part and involve him/her in the process.

January 2002

A woman writes to ask what a non-ADD husband might expect to notice in his ADD wife. She was the inattentive type in the back of the class. She has also struggled with depression. Things are coming together now that she is in her 20's and married but she thinks her husband has trouble understanding her.

It is difficult for people to really understand a woman who was inattentive instead of acting out as having ADD since the difficulties are often so internal especially when combined with depression. I don't know what your particular kind of ADD looks like but in general these things are common among adult married women with the inattentive type ADD:

Difficulty getting up and getting started in the mornings.

Overwhelmed easily by too many demands or variables even though it might not seem like a lot or very difficult to the outsider given a woman's level of abilities in other areas or education or intelligence. Because of this she may over react easily to one more even simple request because it might put her over the top emotionally. Having to do simple tasks which may seem to be stress reducing actually may increase her difficulty because it may reduce needed stimulation and structure. For instance a woman might be better off at a demanding job in an area of skill than at home with no structure or stimulation because she might not know how to prioritize or organize even a very simple day. It is the executive function or management function of the brain that make it hard.

Socializing may be difficult, making small talk going to parties with a lot of background noise or where her attention is pulled in many directions. Shopping or cooking are often difficult although not always. So basically, simple, everyday living may be demanding. This may include organizing the house, difficulty with laundry, incoming papers and information. She needs support and structure and to find ways to spend more times in areas of strength.

November 2001

A woman writes that she was diagnosed a few months ago and put on medication but her family, parents, relatives urge her to keep it a secret ands are ashamed of it. She is looking for guidelines to deal with relatives.

Shame is a big part of growing up undiagnosed with ADD and unfortunately your parents are feeding into this. You need to be with other people with ADD so you feel supported and break this feeling of shame. Hopefully, you can attend a conference here at some point or connect with people on line, for example in a discussion forum or through ADDvance for Women www.addvance.com or just reading about other women. Join organizations such as ADDA, www.add.org.

You must have information and support from people who are familiar with the medications that can help you. At first it's not always possible to get understanding from your family at a time when you need it. This is another important reason to connect up with other women or men who have had similar experiences. Your family will probably come around later once you feel more sure of yourself and are no longer feeling bad about your difficulties. When you are less vulnerable you can explain without apologizing or defending.

You cannot do this alone. You must first come to see yourself in a non-defective way. Then join support groups or online groups, attend conferences or read about others like you. Go to counseling if available and if very isolated you must focus on this first before spending all your energy trying to convince others. Good luck. Let me know if you have trouble finding resources for connection.

September 2001

Are there any suggestions as to what to look for in a couple’s counselor when one partner (me) has ADD?

Dear Reader, This is a good question. Suggestions as to what to look for in a couple’s counselor where one person has ADD. In this case it was a woman.

1. The counselor should not focus all the attention on your problems as the ADD partner.
2. The counselor should remain balanced and appear to both of you to be on both your sides, i.e. the side of the couple not one or the other.
3. By the same token the counselor shouldn’t expect the non-ADD partner’s feelings to all disappear with the explanation that the partner has ADD. This will just breed resentment. The partner has a lot of feelings built up. They must learn to deal with them in a constructive way, of course, but will continue to feel frustration even after the explanation.
4. The counselor might do well to explore the meaning the ADD behaviors have to each partner, what kind of emotions are generated, and what triggers them. Examples: being ignored may trigger someone to feel abandoned; To be interrupted may trigger someone to feel invisible or discounted as they were in their family of origin. Each person brings a history to the ADD mix.
5. Is the ADD focus covering up for any other problems in the partner or in the marriage? Are we focusing on who left the dirty dishes when there are other bigger problems not being dealt with? Are the ADD problems causing the couple problems or are the couples individual problems or issues making it much harder to work together to restructure the ADD part of their lives together. These are all fruitful to explore. Communication skills are very important. As my associate, therapist Ellie Payson, ACSW, describes at workshops, “Imago therapy, when working with an Imago therapist who understands ADD, combines the best of both worlds as it addresses the neurological, psychological, and behavioral issues in the relationship’s dynamics."
6. The therapeutic goals must be reinforced and modeled not to get cured, get over it, get responsible, or grow up, but to find a way for each partner to lead satisfying lives together and separately. They do this by focusing on strengths and getting help and needed support, and understanding what is and isn’t a luxury. Sometimes it’s the non-ADD partner who resists this but often it is the person with ADD who has more difficulty getting needed help because it makes them feels too vulnerable.
7. In couples counseling the goal is often to get to a point where the power dynamics are not skewed by the ADD difficulties, where each is treated with respect and views themselves that way as well, even with the ADD difficulties.
8. Another goal is to come to acceptance that the family is a different kind of one with an ADD member, and to change deeply internalized messages that lead to blame and shame.
9. To understand that medication can often bring changes to a relationship when a partner is not so overwhelmed anymore and can see and articulate problems. Medication may cause couples issues to arise and often the partner is uncomfortable with these changes. A counselor can help stabilize this period of change while the couple finds a new healthy balance. A counselor can predict, prevent, mediate, and educate in order to guide the couple into a safe environment.

May 2001

A woman writes to inquire how she can tell the difference between ADD and depression.

Dear Reader, This is a very good question and one that is very often difficult to distinguish without careful analysis even for professionals.

First, I would recommend that you go to a doctor or psychologist who is experienced in telling these apart or understanding the relationship between them because indeed you could have both ADD and depression. What you want to sort out is whether the depression is a reaction to the ADD that will improve when the ADD is properly diagnosed and treated or is it a separate condition that needs treatment along with the ADD. Often when you have ADD, you become depressed because you are so overwhelmed and depleted and your choices are leading you nowhere. You may feel stuck and trapped.

What complicates making this distinction is that when you have ADHD inattentive type or depression, both can manifest difficulties with activation. Making an effort requires too much energy. Being disorganized in your behavior is also a manifestation often of both.

What you want to understand and sort out is the chronic nature of the symptoms and the severity. Often a person becomes disorganized after a major life change like a death or a divorce. At these times of depression or normal grieving even symptoms like ADD can appear and they can be severe but they CAN STILL BE TRACED to an event rather than ongoing ADD. Or a person can have low levels of depression or attention problems chronically but that donât interfere with their lives enough for the ADD diagnosis and requirement of severity.

As you see these need to be sorted out by an open minded and experienced mental health professional with whom you feel like a partner in sorting through these issues. Good luck.

January 2001

These questions were sent to me from ADDvance magazine for women from their readers and will also appear there in my column Ask Sari-January Issue (1001 Spring St. Suite 206 Silver Spring, MD 20910 888-238-8588)

Question #1 From everything I read, I strongly believe that I have ADD. I talked to my doctor about it and he doesn't seem to put much stock in the idea of ADD in adults. What should I do now? How do I know I have it and where do I find the help I need?

Answer #1: First of all, I would follow your instincts. That doesn't mean you definitely have ADD since you can have the same severe and chronic symptoms from a different cause. But you have something going on that is impacting you for which you need diagnosis and treatment so I wouldn't be deterred by your doctor's skepticism. ADD in adults is very real!

At this point I would ask around in your area for a therapist, psychologist or doctor who has experience with ADD in adults. It doesn't matter which kind of professional you start with just find someone experienced and knowledgeable and they will be able to steer you to other professionals you may need to round out diagnostic and treatment services. Keep reading, attend conferences, seminars, join on-line groups or local CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) group meetings. You can call CHADD National at (301) 306-7070 www.chadd.org or ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) (484) 945-2101 www.add.org. You can email me or ask the discussion forum on this web site for recommendations in your area. A good source is also ADDconsults.com who can help you find resources in your area. Just put that inquisitive ADD mind that loves to search to work for you and keep going. Good luck!

Question #2: I am sure that I have ADD, from everything that I've read. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but he's just not interested. He thinks that ADD is just a fad and I’ve gotten caught up in it. He won't read about it and won't really listen to me and why I think I have it. How can I get him to take this seriously? I think that ADD has really impacted me and explains why I am so disorganized and have trouble keeping up with things. My husband just thinks I'm looking for excuses. What should I do?

Answer #2: First of all it is not unusual at all to have a spouse or family who does not believe ADD is real at first or thinks it is just another fad. Often adults with ADD have been searching for a long time to discover what is going on with them and may have previously looked into a number of other labels or self-help measures. This tends to put their partners in a mind set that views ADD as just another quick fix. Don't wait for your husband to believe in ADD. That will come later. Just find other support, help and validation now and don't be too hard on him. The best thing you can do is to keep lines of communication open with him. If you change your expectations at this early part of the journey, you won't build up so much resentment and will be more effective later after you are more sure yourself.

If you think you have the symptoms of ADD you need to get support from other sources at this point. Don't wait for and don't expect your husband to come around first. He will be more apt to "take it seriously" when you do. It will take a while for you to get to the point where you have enough inner sureness to convey this to your husband. In the meantime get diagnosed and treated, and get connected with other women who have the same difficulties. This will help you feel less isolated. Continue to become more educated, find help through the same sources listed in the answer to Question #1.

Question#3: I have been diagnosed with ADD several years ago, and have also struggled with depression. Things were going fine for a while. I left NYC, where things were very stressful, and returned home to the small community where I grew up. I met and married my husband about three years ago. Now, we have a 15 month old son and it feels as if my life is coming apart and I can't stand the mess and confusion everyday. It doesn't seem to bother my husband. Also, I've gone back to work, only two short days a week - but even that is overwhelming. When I get home from work I just feel like crying when I face the cereal spilled on the kitchen floor and the dishes I didn't have time to do before I left for work. What's wrong with me? I can't even manage this very part time job, and I feel overwhelmed all the time, trying to keep up the house and keep up with my daughter.

Answer #3: You are discovering the overwhelming situation that so many women with ADD find themselves in at some point. You need to come to terms with the fact that you have a more delicate kind of balance point than many others do which requires more careful planning. Unfortunately, that's another problem for people with ADD! Especially when overloaded, your ability to strategize and plan in these circumstances is severely challenged.

In addition, you are back in the small community where you grew up. This might be putting more domestic expectations on you than you had in NYC where things may have been over stimulating but maybe more anonymous. Often our gender role expectations of ourselves increase and our estimation of ourselves grows more negative after we have children. Women with ADD put themselves down at this point because household and domestic work is often the most difficult for them and the stimulation of all the mess and the baby's demands often leaves them feeling no control. This often leads to depression.

I don't know where you are located now but you have to find help. You are drowning and overloaded and so you just need to find one professional or support place to help guide you through this ADD world - to help get you to start to breath again and to help you think through some of following questions and make a plan.

It doesn't sound as if you have anyone helping out at home. What kind of support do you need? Examine your feelings about asking for support from friends or family or trading if you can’t afford to hire help. You may need to renegotiate with your husband for which jobs are better suited to each of you at home rather than splitting directly along gender lines. If you have difficulty with this you may need some counseling to communicate about this.

You also need to look at the kind of job you have and see if that's where the stress is coming from as well. Is your job a good fit? You may find it was too early to take on something new like a job after the move and marriage and the baby and ADD diagnosis. Don't quit your job if it is providing the right kind of stimulation and makes you feel good. If that is the case I would up the support at home rather than quit the job. If its the job that is putting you over the top, and it is not a good fit, I would maybe consider a different one or take a class that might lead you to a more interesting and fulfilling career later.

Are you on medication? It sounds as if the right medication might help block out some of the stimulation and stress. It sounds as if you are already approaching that point when the resulting depression takes over and causes a double whammy for you that you have trouble getting out of. Call the same resources that I have listed above or at least get help for the depression which should be easier to find from your doctor or referrals he or she can make.

A good book that to start reading is "Moms with ADD", by Chris Adamec, Taylor Trade Publisher Dallas, TX 2000. Don't try and tackle everything at once. Just remember to start a new positive cycle you may need medication and support. You need to start doing just one thing, taking one step, making one call.

Friday, January 28, 2000

Well I'm off for the next month for some family time and travel. I won't be writing until March. I hope you will use the bulletin boards to start a conversation with each other. I hear from so many of you who want to talk to other adults about your experiences. So here's your chance.. Now for this week's questions and answers...

Q.#1. Does my toddler ahve ADD? [Guest responder!]

I had a question from a woman about how young you can tell if a toddler has ADHD. This woman believes her 3 and half year old is a likely candidate but wants to know when he can get formally tested and treated. -and how to handle the excessive chatter and activity in this interim period when she says meds aren't appropriate and symptoms aren't dangerous but merely disruptive. She wanted thoughts and advice on early detection and behavioral techniques. This woman is also recently diagnosed as well as her teenage daughter.

I turned this one over to an expert, Dr. Roger Lauer, PhD, a child and adult clinical neuropsychologist here in Ann Arbor who has great expertise in this area. He was kind enough to make this response.

A.#1. "Diagnosing younger children is a challenging task and it should be carried out by a clinician who is familiar with typical development in children. Most importantly, one should recognize that children have a smaller repertoire of behaviors compared to adults, but a larger range of tolerance for their deviant behavior. It is possible to diagnose ADHD in young children, but a comprehensive assessment would be recommended. Knowing that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD suggests an onset before age 7 would indicate that many children who eventually receive this label show signs earlier in life.

The majority of these children do not come to the attention of professionals until they reach school age. To be identified so early in life (age 3) would mean that the behavior was quite obvious (or in the case of the person who wrote to you, their awareness was raised possibly due to their own diagnosis). I would recommend an assessment by a pediatric neuropsychologist who will examine many possible reasons for the described behavior. If ADHD is found, then behavioral intervention is most helpful. This typically involves helping the child and his family to alter their behavior, with an emphasis on anticipating situations where difficulties will arise and proactively intervening. Also, developing a reward system to help foster new behavior and responses is suggested. Given that a parent may also have this diagnosis, I would recommend parent guidance work to assist the parents in developing more effective parenting strategies. On this same note (and connected to my point above), we would want to insure that the parent was not misinterpreting typical behavior in children as problematic due to their own struggles.

Lastly, an evaluation by a child psychiatrist could be suggested, to explore possible medication intervention. I typically do not suggest this avenue for intervention at such a young age unless all other treatment has failed to change the behavior, or if the child has multiple deficits that need remediation and it would be helpful to eliminate excessive inattention and overactivity as a hurdle to achieving success with other therapies (e.g., a child with a severe speech and language disorder who cannot benefit from language therapy because of their inattention or hyperactivity). I would caution that my response to this question is based on generalities and not on a specific case. As in my own practice, every child is unique and each case requires a comprehensive evaluation with possibly different recommendations depending on developmental history, medical history, family history, school history, and social history (to name a few areas of importance).

Roger Lauer, Ph.D. Child Clinical Neuropsychologist

Thanks Dr. Lauer!

Q.#2. ADD and spirituality A woman wonders why she doesn't hear more about ADD and affiliations with religious organizations since she recognizes that adults with ADD often don't feel connected to other people and don't take the time for this. She wonders if anyone has addressed this possible important spiritual affiliation in the lives of those with ADD.

A. #2. The person who addresses the need for "connectedness" in most depth is Dr. Edward Hallowell, known in the ADD field for "Driven to Distraction". Now, the noted psychiatrist has addressed this issue for everyone in his book "Connect" (Pantheon Books, N.Y.1999) in which he certainly includes the need for spiritual connectedness.

In my experience, adults with ADD have a great deal of trouble keeping up their important connections. Time just passes by, they are overwhelmed with other commitments. Many adults with ADD have told me how badly they feel when people mistake this for not caring, when really the opposite is in their hearts. They feel so ashamed usually when they miss an important occasion to connect, that they withdraw more. An accepting supportive place as the writer of this question suggests, where they could gather and re-group, sounds like a wonderful way to try and put more balance into their lives as well as find that much sought after connection that could give them something to hold on to in the middle of chaos.

Warm Regards

- Sari

Friday, January 7, 2000

Happy New Year!

I hope you had a great holiday.

One of my favorite events each year is the conference put on for adults by the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA)

This year, ADDA 2000 will be held May 5-7 in Atlanta, GA. I encourage you to attend this event that is always informative, empowering and just plain fun! The list of presenters this year looks great. The conference is called "Tapping the Potential, Fulfilling Life's Dreams."

You can find out more information by looking at ADDA's web site http://www.add.org or calling them at 484-945-2101.

I will be doing a presentation at the conference with material from my book due out in 2001 to be published by Walker Books, NY. The working title is " Passages of Adult ADD". The book and the workshop at ADDA is for men and women and their search for meaning and identity in the life long journey of living with ADD, long past diagnosis and early treatment. I will also lead a session during the special day for women that is being planned. Hope to see you there!

Speaking of ADDA, Donna Soldano, a board member of ADDA, who I had the pleasure to meet at last year's conference wrote us a response about Andrea Little's article on couples. Thanks Donna.

Donna writes: I just want to comment on Andrea Little's article "Odd Couple." It is an excellent article. Here is the part that hit me: " Laugh! ADD folks see humor everywhere. They not only do funny things; they think funny thoughts too. Non ADD partners are often attracted to them because they admire this light-hearted attitude toward life. Join in and laugh with your partner. Encourage each other to laugh at yourselves and share amusing experiences."

Just last night when my husband and I were in my Jimmy going somewhere, he asked me, "where did your trash bag go?" I have a trash bag hanging in the front seat, otherwise the trash ends up all over my car. I said it was full and I haven't gotten another one yet. With a smirk on his face he asked, where did you put it? I smirked back at him, and he immediately responded -Is it in the way back where you put the last filled trash bag? We both looked at each other and burst out laughing!!! It used to be that he would get angry about these things I did, now he can sere the humor in them and we both can laugh about it. He has learned to laugh at crazy things that I do, which attracted him to me in the first place 25 years ago! Sincerely, Donna Soldano

Now for this week's questions and answers

Q.#1. Overwhelmed after diagnosis Someone wrote that she is very overwhelmed after being diagnosed. She says she has my tape and sees a therapist but finds it a real struggle to discuss what she is experiencing. She wants to know where to go from here.

A. # 1. It may take a while before you find someone with whom you can share your feelings and difficulties about ADD and whom you feel can understand you and act as a partner. This person doesn't have to be a specially trained ADD therapist even though that would be great. A therapist who is willing to learn the additional issues around ADD and is open to reading what you bring her and is open to what you tell her, who takes it seriously, may be able to help you a great deal. I would supplement that therapy by going to support groups, going on line for chat groups for women with ADD and attend conferences like the one I discussed above. You need to connect with other women! Start a thread on this website for others to communicate with you.

Q.#2. ADDer social skills This was a question from a man about social skills in adults with ADD. He wondered what kinds of problems adults often have, how it affects relationships, and what suggestions I had for them.

A.#2 Some of the social skills difficulties leave adults with ADD sometimes hesitant to participate in important situations at work and in their social life. These often lead to anxiety and withdrawal since you don't know if today will be a good or bad brain day. You may not be able to think of as single thing to say during small talk or be able to answer a direct question. You may simply go blank, unable to retrieve information you know. You may not be able to tell a story in a linear way and people may start to stare at you several minutes into the story and you know they aren't following you.

You may find yourself interrupting, wanting to get to the bottom line, and finishing people's sentences for them (because you know what they are going to say!). You may mentally wander off in conversations, not following what is being said which is especially difficult in groups.

Because of an impressionistic understanding of some of the current topics in the news not feeling confident in these kinds of discussions.

Because of your slow processing, by the time you figure out what you want to say the conversation has moved on and you just say it anyway even if it doesn't make sense any more. Or you may be afraid you will forget what you want to say and so you blurt it out prematurely. All sorts of things like this can lead to insecurities that affect relationships.

Some suggestions- Write down what you want to say in a group discussion if possible, especially in a work situation. Make little notes to yourself until the right time to add them.

Create situations that work better for you with one on one conversation without distractions.

Often volunteering to be in charge of a group keeps you in control of the agenda.

Talk from your heart rather than your head. This often is easier than trying to recall facts.

On the other hand, try and be with people as much as possible with whom you feel comfortable, with whom you can be yourself. These would be people with the same interests, who value the kind of person you are. Be in situations where you can display your strengths. Spend time in places where other fascinating "eccentrics" may more likely be. Then, even though you will have to sometimes be in these other more awkward situations. You will be developing confidence.

Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, pioneers in the field of adult ADD talk about social skills in their book "You mean I'm not Crazy, Stupid or Lazy?"

They say that when selective attention gets in the way in social situations a person with ADD's perceptions may be flawed by incomplete or inaccurate information.

They say that we watch people in social situations for clues as to how to act and we gauge their reactions to our behaviors. Because we may have an inability to process information efficiently, we can fail to assimilate the new rules quickly enough. This, combined with impulsivity, can lead to numerous social mistakes

They also say that we may have difficulties taking the time to making deep connections, even if we talk to a lot of people in a social setting.

They advise -just concentrate on making a few close friends instead of worrying about creating a large social network.

They also encourage us by saying that many of these quirks that seemed weird as children now often work for adults who are seen as interesting or special. Also adults with ADD they point out often have creativity, special talent, humor, or zest for life that can be a social magnet!

That's it for today. I want to encourage you to try out and use our new bulletin board capability to talk to me and to talk to each other about topics of interest to you. It is a way I can more directly interact with you as well. I am trying them out for a while to see if they are of use to you. I am going to hold off on the weekly Dear Sari column for a couple of weeks and try and start some conversations on the boards. Look for the conversation there. Please join in and tell your friends. I look forward to the opportunity to have more contact.

Warm regards

- Sari

Friday, December 17, 1999

Holiday Greetings and Gratitude!

I'm not going to be writing for the next couple weeks because of the holidays. So let me take this opportunity to wish you a wonderful New Year and a new millennium where we, who have wonderfully unique (although often exasperating) brains, will continue to pour richness, warmth, and excitement into the world.

As I look back on the last decade, I am filled with gratitude for the entire ADD community. I want to thank the readers of my book who have been incredibly supportive, the professionals in the field who have become such close and special friends, and all the wonderful men and women with ADD I have worked with during the last 10 years. You've all made this last decade of the millennium an incredibly rich and rewarding one for me.

Now for this week's questions and answers

Q.#1. OCD vs. ADD This is a question about a difficult diagnostic distinction between OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and ADD. A woman writes she has been treated for several years for OCD with no results and now she thinks that instead she may have ADD. Her doctor insists that she have a full neuropsychological battery of tests before he prescribes stimulant medication. She wants to know what I think and whether she needs to do this as it is expensive and she would need to wait before beginning treatment.

A. #1. There are psychiatrists who are experienced in this differential diagnosis and in prescribing medications who will diagnosis you and prescribe without the full battery of tests. If they are experienced in treating adults with ADD this is certainly one way to go. This might be a quicker route and it might be a very effective route.

OCD and ADD can look alike since the compensation for ADD sometimes takes on compulsive tones. You may have a combination of both and it may be complicated to tease out. I would certainly recommend when you have a complicated profile like this that at some point it may be very helpful to you and to your doctors to invest in a battery of tests with a psychologist experienced in adult ADD. What you want for the long term, remember, is not just a simple yes or no diagnosis or only medication, but also an in-depth understanding of how your brain works- what difficulties you may confront and how to approach them, what strengths you have so you can focus on them

Q.#2. College student seeks structure! A question from a woman who says she is "desperate" because her husband thinks ADD is a "crutch and excuse to mess things up and be careless." He says before he believes she has ADD he wants positive proof. She asked if the test called the Tova would provide this absolute truth.

A. #2. Dear desperate,

There is no blood test for ADD and no one test that provides this level of absolute "proof" but there are tests and assessments which when given by experienced professionals are very accurate in making this diagnosis.

I would encourage you to get help right away for yourself from one of these people, either a therapist first who can give you the support you need to take this next step if you are hesitant to proceed without your husband's full support, or to a psychologist who can give you a battery of tests to show you in-depth how your brain operates.

Once a partner sees these kinds of reports in black and white, and speaks to the psychologist if possible about the results, the reality often breaks through their initial resistance. Because of this, in your situation I would recommend if possible that you have this kind of testing and go through this process. It also sounds as if you and your husband need some professional guidance or counseling about these ADD issues but also your relationship in general. If your husband doesn't want to proceed, you can't wait to prove it to him. Get support for yourself so that you can come to understand your diagnosis and accept yourself. Good luck.

Talk with you all again on January. 7th!

Happy Holidays Warm Regards,

Sari

Friday, December 9, 1999

I hear from so many people with such good information about the challenges and gifts of living with ADD as an adult! If any of you have some good information about events or services or articles you want to pass along please send them in and I may be able to use them when they apply to situations that come up in this column or when I am making other kinds of suggestions or recommendations. Look forward to hearing from many of you

Q.#1. Good articles for couples? I had a request this week for references for good articles on couples with ADD. This week the subject is "mixed marriages" whereas last week the question was about relationships where both individuals both had ADD. (See Dear Sari for Dec 3, 1999)

A.#1. One article that came to mind immediately was an article called "ODD COUPLES: Finding Peace and Respect in Marriages where one of you has ADD and the Other Doesn't" by Andrea Little. I called her and asked her if we could share it here and she has sent it to us. Thanks Andrea! I think it's a classic.

If anyone has any others they like please send them in.

Another piece of writing on the subject I find helpful is in a book by Lynn Weiss called "ADD in Adults", 1992, Taylor publishing, Dallas TX, chapter 11 And of course, "Driven to Distraction", Hallowell and Ratey, 1994, Pantheon books, NY has a good chapter on couples -chapter 4.

Q.#2. College student seeks structure! This from a very distressed college student. She describes a very common but not often discussed severe problem with writing papers or starting projects that are completely open ended, without structure. This young woman is on stimulant medication but it is not enough to solve the writing problems.

A.#2. The stimulants might help her stick with the project longer or start the project but they often don't work to completely address this part of the ADD difficulty. An expert doctor in working with medications with adults with ADD may be able to combine the stimulant with another kind of medication such as an SSRI to smooth out the effects of the stimulant and may actually help in this area. This is something I've seen be helpful for some people in this area but you would need to discuss this with a doctor.

Medication is only one part of the approach, however. These writing difficulties are another manifestation of the disorganization many adults with ADD experience in other parts of their lives for example, with clutter or with organizing their speaking a linear manner.

Often this becomes incredibly discouraging to those in school or those needing to write for work. These individuals often have big ideas, good ideas, lots of ideas to express but cannot find a way, despite of endless and tiring effort, to express their ideas in an orderly fashion, to make them known and understood to others. They often go off in many different directions, following every interesting connection or thread. For each idea they come up they may generate several more. They often hunt down every bit of information on a subject and related subjects and are left then with a huge amount of material to organize which even makes it more discouraging.

It is extremely frustrating when you know the subject, when you actually have a lot of ideas, when you are putting forth tremendous effort and you are continually getting incompletes or failing classes as this young woman reports .For most people, effort brings rewards. No wonder so many young adults with ADD who have the opposite experience become so discouraged.

It is often difficult for these students to ask for help at school or for adults to get help with their writing. Often, though, this is essential because there are gaps in the writing process that are just so troublesome for you and time consuming that you aren't able to get to the good stuff -your ideas. Sometimes you may need someone just to get you over particular hurdles or provide structure for your ideas or to just get you to stop expanding!

I experience these difficulties in my own writing when working on certain kind of material. I have found that having help at critical points is essential. You may need to have someone else involved in the process. I know that's a big hurdle for many of you to get over, but once you accept it and get the help you need in this area, you will be on the way to letting your ideas come out, letting yourself be known, and moving on toward a more satisfying way of life. Good luck !

Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday!

- Warmest regards.

- Sari

Friday, December 3, 1999

Hello, Here are the answers to some of the questions this week. If you don't see yours answered look again next week. I will get to them all! Your questions are of interest to many people who share many of the same concerns. I appreciate your writing in

Q.#1. This from a woman who was just recently diagnosed with inattentive type of ADD. She says her husband also has ADHD. She wants to know of any articles that talk about issues that arise when both people in a couple have ADD.

A. #1. I know that Hallowell and Ratey address this at the beginning of their chapter (chapter 8) on couples in "Answers to Distraction". Pantheon Books, New York, 1994.

My experience is that this kind of partnership has plusses as well as special challenges. On one hand, the partners might be more accepting and understanding of each other and agree on non-traditional modes of living one's life. On the other hand, they may not always have the ability to compensate for each other as in a "mixed marriage" so there may be more disorder with which to cope.

In addition, sometimes your ADD may be so different that your partner's more hyperactive style that he might completely overwhelm you. Again, on the other hand, it is possible your partner may help activate you while you slow him down a bit.

Because you may have very different styles, you may need some professional facilitation to help you both learn to communicate and to protect, accept and respect your differences.

Q.#2. This from a woman in her 30's who is a mother and wife beginning to suspect she has ADD. She's wondering if she will ever want to stay in a relationship with any one man. She feels always feels pulled toward other relationships.

A. #2. This could have its roots in a wide variety of sources, including the high stimulus seeking of ADHD. It is essential before you decide that it is a result of ADHD alone, though, that you seek out professional diagnosis and treatment to explore whether there are other reasons for this long standing pattern.

Q.#3. This from a 33 year old mother with ADHD and a 9 yr. old daughter with both ADHD and ODD. (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) She wants to know what she can do since her child needs the structure that she has such difficulty providing. She says she doesn't want to make her daughter's difficulty worse.

A.#3. This would be a challenge for anyone, let alone a woman with ADHD. Many mothers who have ADHD also have challenging children and face this dilemma. The first thing you must learn to is not berate yourself. You need all your mental and physical energy to cope with this. That means taking care of yourself, taking time for yourself. It means plenty of respite from this demanding situation so that you can come back replenished instead of continually growing more depleted. That means finding both physical and emotional support and filling in your structuring gaps for your daughter with other people such as a coach or tutor.

You need to also think about what positive messages you can give her as a result of some of the challenges you both share. Remember, you are modeling to her how one can value themselves in spite of special challenges and how you can ask for help, an invaluable lesson. Good luck.

Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday!

- Warmest regards, Sari

Friday, November 19, 1999

Hello, Well, it’s getting close to that time of year that often strikes fear into the hearts (and brains, of course) of those with ADD. How to cope with the all the demands, plus the addition of all those extras- shopping, choosing and buying just the right presents, more social events! Thinking about so many extra things and trying to fit in even more than usual, divides our attention and puts demands on it, that can easily overload our systems

I won’t be writing next week, since I’m off for Thanksgiving myself. I thought that since I, just like my clients, try each year to face the challenges presented by holiday gatherings in new ways, I would share a helpful hint.

Instead of letting all the noise and confusion bombard you, until you just withdraw or suddenly disappear without an explanation, this year try making a simple short statement before withdrawing. For example, "I need a little space, so I’m going for a walk and I’ll be back in a few minutes." Just briefly describe your needs, for instance, "I find I’m getting a little overloaded with all the commotion. I’ll be back in a few minutes." Or even just " I’m going to take the dog for a walk."

Otherwise, people often misinterpret this need to get away as selfishness or standoffishness. So in advance, think through what your particular holiday family gathering challenge is. Write down your strategy, put in your pocket, and pull it out when you need to remember it, in the middle of the next endlessly long family discussion when you are ready to pull your hair out. The goal is to protect yourself but also to stay connected. It is a delicate balance but well worth it.

I’ll talk to you in a couple of weeks. Keep on writing, I love reading and hearing from all of you. And please remember to check out the archives for past answers. Answers to questions for this week. I was glad to hear from so many men.

Q.#1. Someone wanted to clear up her confusion about the difference between stimulants and amphetamines and how Ritalin fits in to those..

A.#1. I asked an expert. Dr. Edward Hallowell says that stimulants are the class of medications to which both the amphetamines (Dexedrine and Adderall) and Methylphenidate (Ritalin) belongs. Hope that helps clear up some of the confusion.

Q.#2. Someone writes in that they are "underwhelmed and overwrought." (I love that phrase!) He says he is looking for ways to put his good intentions and good ideas to work.

A.#2. This is a serious problem for those with low activation. Individuals with ADD usually are full of great ideas and the discrepancy between their ideas and ability to put them into action and follow through to fruition, causes great emotional pain and frustration. That combination results in "underwhelmed and overwrought", that you described. You need outside triggers to help get you started. You need something or someone to appear -- a coach, a friend, a class. Something has to be in place to serve as a support, structure and trigger.

Q.#3. A man writes that he can’t function unless he frequents several coffeehouses a day. He describes what he’s like after the sixth or seventh cup of coffee bouncing off the walls. He thinks that he should cut back on coffee, but then is afraid he would get too depressed.

A.#3. Sounds as if you need a diagnosis and a treatment for ADD with stimulants. That would give you the boost you need without the side effects of drinking that much coffee. Sounds as if you’re possibly self-medicating for untreated ADD. Getting treated might help your depression as well.

Q.#4. One writer says she is an adult female diagnosed at 38 year of age and also has a teenage daughter who has mild ADD and is gifted as well. She also has a 3-year daughter she suspects may also be ADD and wonders about various symptoms and sources.

A.#4. Often girls with ADD are disorganized more than acting out. They can be shy, withdrawn, internalize problems and feel depressed and anxious instead. Also, giftedness is often mistaken for ADD and this is something else a careful diagnosis can help sort out.

1. First of all, look at my symptom checklist for girls and women on this Web-site. That should help you. Also here are some additional resources.
2. You could read my book "Woman with ADD" that has excerpts posted on this Web-site or listen to my audiotape also advertised here. They both address the issues in ways that your daughter or yourself might identify with.
3. I recently wrote the foreword for a new book: "Understanding Girls With ADD" by Ellen Littman, Kathleen Nadeau and Patti Quinn. You can reach them at Addvantage Books by calling 1-888-238-8588.
4. There are lots of on-line group supports as well for women with ADD. Here is one you could try on AOL: Go to: People Connection-click on CHAT NOW-click on PRIVATE CHAT-TYPE IN ADD WOMEN-click on GO CHAT. Mondays 10:00 p.m. ET/ 7p.m.PT. Hosts are TerryM2442 and Annie 12345. This chat for women with ADD is held in a private room.

5. Also for reading on the gifted, ADD connection try http://www.concentric.net/~skiplac/gifted.html

Well, that's all for this week! Have a great holiday -- I look forward to answering more of your questions a week from next Friday!

- Warmest regards, Sari

Friday, November 12, 1999

Greetings to this new on-line community.

Its a pleasure for me to be able to connect with you in this way-and without all the disorganization involved in traveling! It is a wonderful way for me to be able to give back to all of you who have given me such support since the publication of my book, Women with ADD. I also hope men will use this site as a way of addressing their own journey through life with ADD as well as questions you men might have as a partner of a woman with ADD.

Some of you have expressed concern about confidentiality. I will never print your exact question or your e-mail address attached to the question. So watch for your question- it may be disguised and summarized or combined with other questions that fit into same category. Later I also plan to add a feature to the web site where I can individually consult with you.

At this point I plan to answer some questions each Friday and then to have them stored in the archives for you to look up if you miss it at the time it is posted. I also might occasionally ask colleagues who have expertise in specific areas to help me out or act as guest responders. I might also refer you to other experts or resources that can address your concerns.

But for now lets answer some of this week's Dear Sari questions.

Q.#1. Can you talk about subtle put downs from the non-ADD partner and the power shifts that occur in relationships with the growth of the ADD partner.

A.#1. Before treatment, many individuals with ADD put themselves in a one down position with their partner because they feel they have already caused too many problems and so don't feel as if they have the right to assert their desires or wishes. They agree on some level with the negative view held by their partners of them and their ADD. In treatment, hopefully, they grow to a point where they are able to separate these core feelings about themselves from their ADD. This internal shift allows them not to accept these negative attributions from their partners. When they change internally there is often a shift in the power dynamics in a relationship. Also, when an individual takes medication they are less overwhelmed, more clear and able to know and to express what isn't working for them as well and to make their wishes known. All this can lead to an upheaval in the family system even though the changes are healthy. It's important to know these are expected changes and that if you stay with it you and your partner may reorganize at a healthier level of functioning. You may need professional support to handle the anxiety that these kinds of changes sometimes bring.

Q.#2. What else can I do to help myself with my great organizational difficulties if I have a history of amphetamine use that make me unable to take stimulants?

A.#2. First of all an individual with this kind of history would want to consult an expert in psycho- pharmacology. You amphetamine use might have been an effort to self-medicate your untreated ADD. There may be other medication, certain anti depressants like Wellbutrin or stimulants like Cylert may be things to ask a doctor about in a case like this. But even if you do take medication or you don't it wont be enough to take care of all the organizational difficulties. It may be more difficult, though, to get going on looking for other support and employing other strategies without the medication to give you a jump start and so it is even more critical for you who aren't using meds to employ some other outside trigger, support, or structure like a coach or a professional organizer. Even a friend who can sit with you while you balance your checkbook each month might work to keep you on track.

Q.#3. What can I do with the constant bombardment from noise and activity in my world that is compounded by a very open workspace and living space. The worse problem is that my husband is a loud snorer. I have used all sorts of ways to try and block it out but I just can't. Is this a common complaint from people with ADD?

A.#3. It is a common complaint for individual with ADD to have great difficulty blocking out the world around them to different degrees and especially I imagine to block out a loud snorer! First of all, it sounds as if you need a place other to find some place and time for yourself, for pleasure and relaxation and to get away from the noise even if its locked up in the bathroom in a tub. You might need to re-consider all the open space and come to terms with whether you may need to adjust your environment to bring you more time in your day where you are not exposing those raw ADD nerves to such bombardment. I am no expert in sleep problems like snoring but I think there have been some improvements in helping snorers and I would check with your doctor or a sleep clinic or a pharmacy, as well as the web to see what new devices are out there to address this problem

Q.#4. A man who has married into a step family situation with a wife and a stepchild with ADD wants to know how to help when his wife won't see a counselor or take medication. He is confused by her inconsistent reactions to him and frustrated in his attempts to help even though he sees her other wonderful qualitites. He wants to know how to start.

A.#4. Her inconsistent behavior toward you can be coming from many different sources and when someone has ADD its easy to attribute it all to that when you have to consider all the other possibilities as well. For instance, ADD or not, beginning a stepfamily is incredibly challenging and I would not overlook the anger and resentments and frustrations related to that. I would encourage you to read some books on that as well and to look into support groups that address that issue. You may want to look up the organization StepFamilies of America.

I also wonder if your wife is getting out enough and away from her ADD difficulties. You talk about her being "Suzy homemaker" one minute and very angry the next. She might be feeling the pressure of being home every day and having the responsibility of a small child with ADD, especially now that the child is probably going to school and she may have lost the only focus she had. She has, it sounds like, gone through an extremely disorganizing time with a divorce, a remarriage, while coping with the demands of a young child, all while she has been living with untreated ADD. She has probably been spending the majority of her time in her areas of deficits. This wears a person down eventually and becomes demoralizing, especially when someone is coming home at the end of the day all full of his latest accomplishments. This may be triggering a whole host of issues for her. In addition, she may still be feeling the effects of the dissolution of her first marriage.

I think it's great how you are able to see all the gifts she has to give. But it sounds as if she needs more opportunities to use those gifts every day. You might look into a holiday present of extra household help if she doesn't have it or extra baby-sitting so she may have chance to start exploring some outside activities and regain or gain a new sense of competence. I wouldn't give this help as if she is hopelessly incompetent but because you want her to have time for herself. I would also get help for myself from local ADD adult groups or support groups for spouses. You might contact Chadd (Children and Adults with ADD) to find one near you or take a trip to a conference together like ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association's annual meeting in May in Atlanta. This event is always fun and empowering. And remember don't take on more than you can yourself without resentment but instead think about support for yourself and your wife.

I'm glad you are reading my book. It might be helpful for your wife if she could listen to my audiotape.

ADDA (National Attention Deficit Disorder Association) Website: http://www.add.org

Chadd (Children and adults with Attention Deficit Disorder) Website: http://www.chadd.org Phone: 301 306-7070

Q.#5. This question was about the price of hyper focus that it creates such disorder even though an individual may accomplish a great deal. This letter asks how to clean up as she goes along.

This is a common problem. Many adults with ADD have a lot to express and create and the only way they find to do it is to hyper focus on it to the exclusion of all else. When they are done, even if they have accomplished their goal, they look around with dismay to see the chaos this process has left behind. You may need to increase your level of support while you are working. It may be too much to ask right now to break your hyper focus habit and I don't know what kind of projects you are doing, but I would definitely recommend the addition of support for regular filing or processing of materials. This doesn't have to be from an expensive organizer - just a teenager or college kid once a day or a few times a week. Just knowing they will be coming will help keep part of your attention on what you are doing organizationally as you go along. Sometimes instead of fighting your problems, it is more useful to predict them and prevent them by knowing how you operate, filling in the gaps, and enjoying your success. You will have to analyze things for a while and see where things break down for you, where is your need. You may need a professional organizer to help you set up a system that you can maintain. In addition you might look into a couple books by organizers who understand ADD and creativity. Dorothy Lemkuhl's book called Organizing for the Creative Person available at bookstores and Judith Kolberg's book "Conquering Chronic Disorganization". To order call 404 289-1622

Well, that's all for this week! I look forward to answering more of your questions next Friday!

- Warmest regards, Sari

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1999

This week's column isn't drawn from a question, but simply answers the question...

"Why am I doing this column?"

Q. What is the goal of "Ask Sari..."?

A. My hope is that this "Ask Sari..." column will be a way for me to offer my perspective as a psychotherapist who has seen and heard the inner experiences and struggles of men and women with AD/HD and watched them over a course of time, from before they are diagnosed to after diagnosis and treatment. I've seen what works and what doesn't, how some people begin to thrive and others get stuck. I want to share this process with readers as well as hear from them about their individual stories.

I'd like this Q & A column to be about your feelings, your conflicts, your dreams; Questions about how to communicate, how to maintain relationship, discussions of counseling issues so that people don't have to feel stuck. To understand the true purpose of treatment and find success in your life I will give you my perspective of not trying to "get over" who you are, but to become more of who you actually are.

So please write me about your own experiences, questions about yourself or adults with ADD in general, about how other people have found ways to work out relationships and their lives and have found new ways to view themselves

I will try to group your questions together into categories and probably redirect certain topics to other experts. I'll be telling you from time to time about different workshops, products or services that I am involved in, as well as anything else I recommend or have a comment on.

- Warmest regards, Sari