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Sari’s Blog 2-17-09Updating your Personal Narrative:Begin To Tell Yourself A New StoryIn these times of economic distress many people are thinking about updating their resume, highlighting their recent accomplishments. With ADD it’s just as important from time to time, to do a personal narrative update and rewrite the story you have been telling yourself about yourself for many years, one that you may not have updated to include all you have become and all the personal growth you have accomplished. Even when your symptoms persist, you need to account for how you have managed in the face of great struggles. As you read this I know some of you may be saying to yourself, “But I have not accomplished anything positive.” You might start pointing to all the evidence of how you “mess things up” because of your ADD. If so, it may be time to learn to tell yourself a new story about your life. I can’t tell you how many people I see and listen to who are unaware of the fact they are leading quietly heroic lives. Maybe they are kind to their aging parents or helping a very difficult child get what they need at school to succeed. Maybe they are coping with chronic illness or struggling to keep a family together financially even though they have great challenges. Maybe they are funny or warm or make people laugh or think new ideas that give those around them a fresh way to look a situation. Most adults with ADD don’t see these things in themselves or they dismiss them as unimportant. They only see the way they are late for an appointment or have a messy desk. These other inner qualities are easy to miss if you are only looking for evidence to back up your negative narrow view of yourself. You might be leaving out the positive impact you may be making in the lives of other people.It often takes a long time for our self image to catch up with our new reality. Many of you still may be continuing to view yourself through a lens that sees your self at a much earlier time or age .Don’t wait until your symptoms disappear to let your self notice, appreciate, and integrate these other parts of yourself and enlarge your story. You have had a rich and complex experience and you need to update your narrative to reflect this. Once you do that everything will flow from there- your relationships, your communication, your choices.Take a little time and begin to examine whether the story you tell yourself over and over again about yourself, almost reflexively at this point, really accounts for all the character traits you possess that help you carry on despite all the obstacles. Maybe the story you repeat to yourself without really examining it doesn’t include the part about your values or the personal attributes that probably go unnoticed by you as you continue to think of yourself in a frozen way. Just as your computer needs you to stop from time to time and do an update, install new programs if it is to continue to operate as effectively as it has the capacity to do, you need to pause periodically and consider if your internal programs need some updating. At my online community, www.ADDjourneys.commy messages are based on my book Journeys Through ADDulthood. I describe the shifting challenges adults go through long past diagnosis and early treatment as they learn to form a new sense of identity and meaning.When you re-write your personal narrative to include all your successes and begin to describe your struggles not as deficits but as evidence of how you persevere even with your challenges, when your story doesn’t leave out your personal attributes or your values, then you can begin to tell yourself a new story, one that will help you view whatever happens from a different perspective.You just may be surprised to discover a heroic story about a person who has made a contribution either in their work, with people, or with their talents as a result of their intelligence, their kindness, or determination and despite great odds. I encourage you to sit down and bring your personal narrative up to date to include all of who you are, all you have struggled with, and all you have given the world and those around you, I’d love to hear how you have re-written your story. Let me know at ADDjourneys.com
I agree that rewriting your narrative - how you think and talk about yourself is a useful and productive thing to do; to reframe your experiance and self concept. Its useful and powerful for everyone...along the continuum of life.
But I question the assumption that a messy desk, or a missed appointment means self defeat and unhappiness. Is everyone who has ADD having a messed up life? Does having ADD mean you are so flawed that you couldn't acknowledge your accomplishments? Is a messy desk symptomatic of a person who can't self reflect? I don't think so. If so, how would it {the symptoms} disappear? ..... Myself and my AD/HD friends certainly don't consider ourselves flawed and unable to appreciate our contributions. We know its often not the prettiest "process" around, but the heartfelt intention and real contribution is always present. I dislike the assumption that people with the AD/HD diagnosis are unable to self reflect accurately and see themselves clearly.
3/4/09
This is very interesting. You could do the following:
Seriously, get out from under the label. What you are looking for is certainty...you have an Identity already....but what are you certain about? Your self concept is not fixed...is it...it could be, but that probably wouldn't be very interesting.
Or: watch the Wizard of Oz....who are you, the scarecrow? the tin man? the lion? or Dorothy? Get out your red sparkley shoes!
Only U can summarize yourself....only U can change yourself.
Or: Make a list of your attibutes and rank them....what are your chief traits; take an assessment test....get tested....do meyers-briggs; the MMPI, the TAT....see a shrink/shaman/coach/teacher....get feedback.
JUst change the label.....U are greater than the sum or your roles which change and morph continuously along the continuum. Daughter, mother, caregiver, wizened crony.....all powerful archetypes which U should not discount....just acknowledge the experiance and the power you already have.....that is U.
This is a comment to the previous response to my blog. I want to clarify that I was reporting what many adults with ADD feel about their ADD. That's why I put words like"I'm a mess"etc in quotes. I certainly do not view ADD symptoms in this way.
Many adults with ADD are not able to separate their ADD symptoms from their core sense of self. That is why in my book Journeys Through ADDulthood,I describe three journeys of ADDult development. The person who responded to my blog is a great example of someone who is able to separate his/her ADD symptoms from his/her core identity. This is great and a great model for others. Sometimes a person with ADD doesn't have to go through a process to get to this point but many adults have to work toward the self view that this member has described. Thanks you for your comments.
Sari
I can only speak for myself, but I can add to the discussion that even as women, ADD or not, we tend to minimize and hide ourselves to the point sometimes of no return. I have had women of my age group 50+ comiserate with me that we "disappear". We are so used to being in supportive roles for our aging parents, our emerging children, and our hard working husbands, that we get lost in the mix. It is easy to put ourselves last, to help and nurture, to make sure everyone around us has what they need. I believe that for me, the ADD makes it hard for me to self read, to see myself as separate from my role as daughter, wife, mother. I can list my accomplishments, graduation from college, good wife, mother,daughter, but these things have come to define someone that I can no longer identify as me. When I try to rewrite the "who" of me, I am unable. It is as if I have disappeared. I wish I knew how to reclaim that part of me that needs to be identified. After all, my job as daughter will disappear, mother will become less needed, and the role of wife needs to bring my half to the table. If I am unable to identify what that half is, its going to be a lonely meal. It is crucial to reevaluate and redefine ourselves at pivotal points in our lives. If only I knew how....
I agree that i'm trying to write my life story differently. i'm struggling with my idenity it seems like everyday. i always have that little voice inside my heart that said you're not enough. because i'm if i'm differnt that means i'm not normal and not trying to fit in. it's hard fro me to see my strenghts as being strngeths becasue of my lack of follow thur i never seem to finish things that i want to. even though i finished college and it took me eight years to do it. i still don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life. i was just recently laid off from my work about a month ago and i'm having a really hard time going and finding what my strenghts are and finding my fit in life. becasue i feel like such the odd one out. but i agree that it's good to rewrite and try again. i'm trying to seperate my identity from my add symptoms. for me it was the mixed messages from my parents that told me oh you're just like everyone else. well if i'm just like everyone else then why was it so hard to go and orgazine my time and space. while for others it wasn't. i'm different and that's the bottom line. i need some advice on how to rewrite the story my story so it shows my true idenity not just my adhd symptoms. any help? thanks,
Amac
