Invisible Disabilities: How to Help

Invisible Disabilities:

Why "Yes you Can!"  isn't always the best response.

Show This To Someone Who Wants To Be Helpful

Believe it or not, sometimes the very positive and well intentioned phrase  “Yes You Can!”, delivered to a person who is struggling with a certain task, is not always received as the encouraging message you may be trying to send.

Individuals who have trusted you by disclosing  their struggles and  letting you know they need help, want to know you believe them, even if what they are disclosing is invisible to you.

If someone with a more visible limitation let you know they needed help, whether it was a struggle with movement, vision, or hearing, not many people would respond to their request with a denial of their need.  Usually the response would be, “Just let me know how I can help.”

When an adult trusts you enough to let you know she or he is struggling and asks for your help, to say “Yes you can” may be received as a message that you view that person as lazy, entitled, negative, or a victim of low self esteem.

This is important to keep in mind, not just for the person who has expressed a need for help, but also for you, as a well intentioned person trying to help. After delivering what you feel is great encouragement, even though you may have misinterpreted a request for help as a need for encouragement, sometimes the lack of expected gratitude or even the anger you may get in return, can leave you confused or more than a little annoyed.

When someone you are trying to help is very competent in certain areas, but has an inordinate amount of difficulty in a particular situation due to an invisible learning disability, ADD, or any executive functioning challenge, your confusion is understandable. To make matters more complex, the person may have great difficulty in situations that seem the easiest for other people, while this person might excel in other areas that are much more difficult for the average person.

When someone says “No, I can't” maybe they really mean, “No I can't” without great stress, or “No I can't” do this and also attend to these other pressing demands or "No I can't" do this with high quality or without feeling overwhelmed or in the necessary time period.

Treat the person like the adult they are who has a particular limitation at the moment. Let them explain that a particular situation is too taxing or that they need help sorting something out or they have too many crossed wires or demands at the moment.

Of course, the tricky part is that sometimes a person with real, but invisible challenges, is discouraged and does need encouragement, just like someone with an injury needs encouragement to exercise or to work hard in physical therapy in order to regain the use of a limb.

You may want to explore these issues with the person- be curious, listen to what they are describing in order to understand what kind of help someone needs -assistance, encouragement, or both.

What they don’t need is an assumption that they aren’t trying hard enough or that they are exaggerating the extent of their challenges and don’t need  help.

 When someone has  opened up a window into their vulnerability, they have taken an enormous leap of faith and trusted you with the very personal knowledge that sometimes, "No, I can't"

The most encouraging response to someone asking if you can help them  is often simply to say,  "Yes I Can!"