Reg,

I can't tell you how much I needed this little talk this morning. Lately I have been in the company of very loving people who are multicultural and I am struck by how loving they are to each other. It's like they are giving each other little kisses all day long. It is immediately felt in their voice when they say my name.  They fill me up.  I feel so content in this environment. Yes, I do feel stronger, more capable of being myself.  In contrast, my own husband is very German, very critical and I was struck again at how easily crushed I am by him and I become anxious, fearful, upset emotionally.  If I express any of my needs...I am told to stop complaining. None of my emotional needs are being met in this relationship anymore which has shifted as he ages and is frustrated and unhappy.  It is even more obvious to me when I have been away and come back.  It's like I'm struck with FEAR AND DREAD.  So, dear Reg, how do we deal with the emotional vampires in our lives?  the ones who drain all the life out of us?  I think one of my favorite life coaches, Martha Beck, has an article about this.  We all have these people in our lives...any comments on how to deal with them?

Getting Clear - Your description of home life is 100% like my own.  My husband is Greek, however.  The unspoken expectations and obvious disapproval is constant.  But, when I mention it, somehow I'm the one with a problem.  Which is true I guess, in a way.  I'm trying to move toward finding myself after a lifetime of undiagnosed ADD and 25 years with this unsupportive man.  It is hard.  I'm taking painting lessons and love love them.  However, I can't paint at home because of the critical eye.  Yes, Sari - how do you find yourself and be yourself when your home life gets in the way.  I have a child.  I can't just leave her all the time to find myself-not to mention it would not be condoned by spouse. 

Thank you for sharing!

You continue to protect yourself, your spirit and your beliefs about who you are and what you want your life to be about.

Keep moving forward and learn what parts of your life help you feel whole. One day, your strength will either unfold the connection in your relationship or give you the courage to move on.

Reggie,

Thanks for the wonderful words.  I tend to be an "elephant" (i.e., never forget) when it comes to being hurt.  I remember everything, and perhaps hold on to things way too long.  Not sure why.  However, what I realize now is that the time I spend holding on to things, big or small, is time spent missing out on what a wonderful relationship I truly have, and missing out on opportunities to make it even better. 

I also think that there is a lesson here for the flip side.  I have come to realize that what helps to make those things fade into the past, like you said, is the nature of the relationship as it is now.  To me, this means that if you have hurt someone, you can either wait around for the person you've hurt to stop hurting, or you can fill your relationship with love and happiness, and make some effort to dilute the unpleasant memory. 

Sorry to ramble, but I have learned a lot this morning, and I'm excited to put it in action.  Thanks!    AH