August: ADHD & Relationships

Long Term Care Insurance

Thoughts on ADD marriages....Good ADD marriages are like any other good partnerships or marriage. They require good communication, mutual respect, and require each partner to support the other in moving toward their strengths and help them with their challenges.

Each partner, regardless of who has ADD, will at some point, face difficulties, disability, limitations, or adversity.* Couples with ADD in their marriages need to create ADD free zones in which they don’t focus on problems but instead reconnect to what attracted them to each other in the first place. Often each partner has strengths that are complementary to their partners, but in a marriage with ADD  each becomes polarized and instead of contributing to the partnership with their strengths, each becomes frozen in their own style and a power struggle begins.

Often the partner with ADD is overwhelmed and feels out of control and powerless, and the partner without ADD feels resentful and baffled and personalizes the ADD symptoms- believing that the person with ADD is doing something to them. Often the person with ADD feels they are already too much trouble so they give up their expectations of being treated with respect. They sometimes  feel they don’t have legitimate rights to their feelings and  they often collude with a negative definition of themselves in marriage.  The  challenges of a partner with ADD must not be globalized or used to define a person with ADD or  keep them in a less than equal position in the marriage.

Depending on the family of origin experience of the partner without ADD, the symptoms take on a particular meaning in the marriage. So whereas one ADD symptom may not be a problem for one person, another person, because of his or her background, will be triggered. For instance, someone with a narcissistic parent may be triggered by a partner who is distracted, viewing this as abandonment while it may not bother someone else. A person who had a parent who needed caretaking may interpret  a need for support in a more negative way than someone with a different history.

Couples need to learn to address ADD as a neuro biological condition and strategize from that perspective, moving away from the character interpretation. Equally important, the partner without ADD has real frustration and  his or her needs need to be validated. Often a couple in an ADD marriage just need more support in the household rather than therapy- although they often need therapy to get to the point of accepting they need more support! They have to learn not to compare their household with ADD to others who aren't faced with these challenges. They must accept and value their differences but accommodate their challenges with extra help like they would with any neurobiological or chronic and severe condition of one partner.

*A special hint for partners of men and women with ADD
The partner without ADD will at some point have their own challenges that will need to be empathized with and supported.  So think of it as long term care insurance- give now and when your time comes you will have a supportive and compassionate partner to help you through times of adversity when you, like everyone, will face limitations and challenges.

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I was wondering how we submit our stories for the contest?

Thanks,
Megan

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just tp respond to question and clarify the contest for the month is for the most interesting or helpful addition to this blog discussion.

Good luck-

Sari

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We lost are way for awhile in the midst of parenthood and undiagnosed ADHD in 4 out of 5 of us in our family. We are both very commited to making our marriage work, which is the most important step.
We TALK, TALK, TALK !! We try to everynight. So much gets lost in the interpretation of things/behaviors that makes constant communication necessary.......especially with two ADDers. I have the hypoactive ADHD and he has the typical Combined/Hyperactive ADHD.
He has alll the energy and I have all the thoughts.
We do have our times when he says, "why can't you...." and he is an educator to boot!! I go comotose when the kids are loud and out of control and he thinks it is ellective....gave him your book to read, Sari!! LOL!!
We communicate daily, appreciate how our differences work well together and work on telling the other how special they are as much as possible.

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Thank you for sharing, Christine! What a great Yin/Yang you have going on! :)

Reg

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