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School DazeFor some of you with ADHD, the beginning of the school year brings relief, the return of structure, and the return of much needed breathing room. For others of you with ADHD, though, whether or not you also have children with ADHD, those first few weeks of school are overwhelming and can bring with them a miserable and familiar school “daze”.The assault of forms to fill out, schedules to coordinate, meetings to keep track of and attend, supplies to buy, lunches to make etc. multiplied by the number of children you have... and well, you get the picture. In some ways, this stage of life where you are dealing with children and schools, can often be the most challenging ones for adults with ADHD, especially for the partner who has primary responsibility in this area. This difficulty is compounded if you have come to evaluate your success as a parent (or worse as a human being) by how you perform in this arena which is greatly affected by the executive function struggles of ADHD. Because the challenges of adults with ADHD are largely invisible to others and because these men and women are very competent and capable in other ways, their daze, confusion, and overwhelm in these situations, are often unfathomable to them and to those around them. I encourage you to try something different this school year. Right now is the time to think about it-before the daze seeps in and takes hold and makes it impossible for you to do anything but tread water exhaustedly and wait for the storm to end. It is critical not to just dive into another awful daze, waiting for it to be over- plan now while you still can! Don’t Do It Alone!Whether it’s your partner, your children themselves(they can do more than you think), a relative who is good at things that drive you over the edge, or a friend you can you trade* with, or someone you pay**, get extra support in the areas you need the most help with. *Trade with someone.For example, a friend or relative who loves to shop could take your children to buy school supplies if that is difficult for you. In exchange, you could provide something that person needs. Think of what you have to contribute, not just what you need and find a willing partner. You could help tutor their child in a subject you are good at, or drive their children to school, or teach them how to ride a bike, or read to them or babysit on a Saturday night or whatever…the list is endless, you fill in the blank. **Pay someone. Its cheaper than therapy! I have had many clients who would rather come to therapy to talk about being overwhelmed than hire someone to help them with what is overwhelming them because of the guilt involved in getting that kind of help (even though it is far less expensive to hire a babysitter or a someone to do errands.)Answer an ad or place one yourself. Look for a high school or college student or a older retired person to do errands or help around the house or fold laundry or make dinners to freeze. Again, make this to suit your needs- they may be different than traditional help wanted. What will help you out of the daze? It may be that just a few hours a week would make the difference- just someone to stay with one child while you do an errand or sit with you while you read through or fill out forms. Reduce the overload. There may be a simple solution. Use that ADD creativity to solve this problem.Here is Some School Daze Homework for You!Lessons for you to Learn and Practice this school year.1. Learn to tolerate the guilt of getting support. Practice Practice Practice.! You will learn to enjoy the support once you find the right neutral person. 2 Learn to say “no” to extra demands at this time of year.3 Learn to say “yes” to time for yourself -carve it out no matter what! Set up activities for yourself now!4 Create and protect ADD free zones for yourself and your partner.5 Create your own IEP as you would if your child needed accommodations to have a good school year. You need one too. Let’s call it an Individualized Enhancement Plan or Enjoyment Plan. Remember if you are depleted, you wont be able to help anyone. Suggestions for the plan-Sign up for a class once a week now. -Make a date for something you want to attend that you pay for now with husband or a friend or by yourself for something pleasurable.. -At home set up a sanctuary for yourself or think of it as an emergency exit plan for an unexpected ADD attack! When the cloud of daze descends on you: Where will you go? How will you protect yourself? Figure it out and write down one place in your house or out of your house in advance where you can get out of the chaos for awhile when you need to recharge. Figure this out now. A favorite café, a park bench, a bathtub full of bubbles with a lock on the door. Write down your plan now and post it where you can see it. Write me at sari@sarisolden.com or blog at ADDjourneys.com. Tell me one thing you are doing for the beginning of school days to reduce the stress, to reduce the daze, and enjoy the fall, to enjoy your kids, enjoy the parenting, to increase your pleasure. Send me a copy of your emergency escape plans!Build up the support and cut down on non essentials and remember you, your mental and physical health are the essentials!
This is a wonderful piece, full of great tips that I plan on using myself. I hate the start of school!Terry
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In Kindergarten my daughter went from a preschool class of 10 kids and 2 teachers to a public school class of 22 kids and 2 teachers. I literally hyperventilated into her lunch bag when I dropped her off the first day! That year we were late 165 times out of 180, I got into a screaming fight (almost a fist fight) over a parking space with the principal, and we applied to every private school within 20 miles of our house (5 total). But my longtime boyfriend (and best friend) kept saying "Let's be realistic, what if you send her to a private school and it's not perfect either but on top of everything else you have to drive 25 minutes to get there?" so, as uncomfortable as I felt we remained.
In first grade we got the luck of the draw with the teacher that everyone was hoping for so my first day jitters were assuaged, the principal who really was a jerk got fired (what a coup), and three months into the year I was diagnosed with ADD. I'm not one to hold anything back (shocker!) so I told Bella's teacher in hopes of getting some help "fitting in". Ms. F is an atypical teacher, likes control, refuses a teachers aide, refuses chairs (all the kids sit on exercise balls), and refuses anything less than 100% effort. So she really worked with me ...because I showed her I really wanted to work! She helped me refine my ridiculously detailed and overwhelming checklists for my daughter so we could get homework done and get moving in the morning more efficiently. When I asked her opinion she was candid with me about what was nature and what was nurture concerning my daughter's issues with disorganization. Bella (my girl) does not have ADD but she has grown up in an undiagnosed ADD household. As the meds got worked out and I began to pull things together Bella's teacher praised me for the things I did right and the situations I handled appropriately. It felt good to have someone recognize my efforts. And we finished the year with 15 latenesses out of 180!
We are about to enter 2nd grade. I am definitely gaining confidence! I am, for once, making a preemptive assault on the school situation. I took an online Active Parenting course this summer to give me tools for getting through the school year. Wow! I never knew there was a middle ground between being an autocratic parent and a permissive one. A democratic method based on respect. As an undiagnosed child with ADD you grow up being called spoiled, lazy, crazy, or special (if you're lucky). I either got yelled at or dismissed but never felt respected. My family always said I was smart but were completely dismayed at my lack of "success" which made me look like I was using my higher education as a waste basket for their cash. But, after taking a parenting course that teaches you how to communicate with your children and really clue into what they are feeling, I feel confident that even with my ADD and it's difficulties, I will be able to spot a problem with my child and help her deal with it before she is thirty five.
I worked my butt off this summer just gaining awareness of what my difficulties are so I can feel more confident as a parent. So I can walk into the pick-up line proud, not because I am finally like all the other perfect moms but because I am different and I don't care! I've sort of half scheduled Bella's after-school activities for the fall. Am I 100% on top of it? No. But all the checks won't be three weeks late and she'll have her sports gear for the first practices. And she won't be embarrassed and she won't have to make excuses for me. I hired a cleaning lady so I won't be obsessing about the sweeping while I should be helping with homework. And I promised I won't volunteer for the science fair committee this year because last year I was so busy trying to help the school my kid didn't have a finished project to show.
In my sumer of searching for "me" I have basically let go of trying to be "me"...if that makes any sense. I'm finding ways to just accept who I am, knowing that it won't happen all at once and that "I" might just appear sometimes when I least expect it. I know now that what may seem like a little step in the right direction to everyone else might be a HUGE step for me. That's something to be proud of! And if I keep my eyes open, there will be others that can see it too.
Great article! I like the idea of making it a special time. It makes such a difference if you focus on the positive. It helps to be reminded to do this.( I know that isn't really the main point of the article, but its what jumped out at me) i love the line..."hire someone it's cheaper than therapy" it's true! And its nice to hear someone say it's okay to get help. And Nyla, You sure worked hard! you should be proud of yourself!
Thanks! The funny thing is, all my friends are big into the gym but I'm not so inclined. I got the genetic short end of the stick when it comes to my brain but physically I am tall, slender and built like an athlete without much effort. So while they are all out hard core exercising their bodies I've been exercising my brain in the quiet of my home. These days I am more into learning, researching, applying new knowledge, that sort of thing. I've always been curious about everything but have only been able to read more than a few pages at a time (if even that). Since I started Straterra almost a year ago I have become a voracious reader and it's so cool!!! I can read scientific papers and history books without nodding off and I really enjoy them. So, yes I've put in a lot of work but it's fun exciting work for me. Maybe what school could've been had I been diagnosed earlier, but right now I am just focusing on the positives and not the "could have's". Happy to have the "input" working for once so my "processor" doesn't get bored and frustrated.
You know, I used to look at the glass neither half full nor half empty but rather "who the hell drank half my glass?!?". It is nice to be looking at the glass half full for once It's nice to just appreciate the journey.
Simple tip for handling the increased laundry when school starts-place a laundry basket in the closet of each bedroom and one in the bathroom if there's a place for it. On laundry day have each person bring his/her basket to the laundry area and teach them to sort into appropriate piles. Eventually they'll be able to do their own laundry. Also have each person gather empty hangers from the closet so that clothes can be hung up right from the dryer lessening wrinkles and ironing. Have several laundry baskets available in the laundry area so that you always have a place to put the various wet or dry batches as they move through the process. I also have small baskets on the counter for each person (and one for orphan socks) where socks and undies go matched and folded if there's time; at least designated for the correct person if there's not time. A movable clothing rack is nice for hanging things out of the dryer or hanging up clothes that don't go in the dryer. My husband has also hung a shower bar between two walls in the laundry room where I keep extra hangers and drip dry items. This may be over the top but I have a specific color hanger for each family member and it makes it quicker for them when they're looking for a particular shirt in the mad morning rush to find it on the rack if it hasn't made it to the closet or to come and claim their laundry once it's finished. I could go on but then you'd see the depths of my OCD.
TC
From My Diary: It really is amazing that I am alive considering all of the intolerance I have encountered to any empathy, assistance, nor acceptance of how much I need support from another to obtain what my family always provided and then took away from me and my son this last August. One would think that being diagnosed would qualify me for the benefit's of the disabled; One would think that being a single mother would expedite benefits for me and my child. My child's welfare comes first, it always has and I refused to appear in court to properly defend us and our home because no child, no grandchild, NOT MY CHILD, should have to see Nana and Papa who love him so very much, throwing us out on to the street. My parent's submitted the eviction order for non-payment of rent, even though I probably never even once paid the rent in the five years that we lived in the apartment. My parent's did have the apartment community forward the returned deposit to me. Thoughtful? Did I mention that Pb and Jay our two cats were tossed out too? Three months prior to losing our apartment I celebrated my birthday by going out to dinner alone with my parent's for the very first time ever. Having two younger sister's that my parent's love to be with, travel with, visit with, communicate with, financially support "guilt free", and love unconditionally, I have to ask, why are you so unable to support us all equally with the same acceptance? Why am I the too much, the high needs adult, special needs kid? Moving on... Around my birthday many conversations took place between my parent's and I. Cordial, direct and honest prior to my eviction, prior to the unjust, tragic, and complete ostercation from the rest of my kin. I told my Dad I felt that GM deprived me of a father, he told me that it wasn't GM's fault. I asked him why he couldn't just accept me for "ME", why being Me is just never enough. He didn't know. I won't even touch on my Mother right now. Actively I have searched for assistance from local and state resources before during and after our eviction to try and prevent my son and I from losing our home. Problem is, that here in Michigan "prevention" of crisis just isn't. Assistance when enduring such a crisis is available when in it, panic and such, I have yet to find shelter. To spare my Son the devastation of the court removing our things, post order, I asked that he go to his Father's house. Let me tell you that the most heart breaking in all of this was that I confidentally assured my Son that I would be able to get through to my parent's and that our safe, warm, welcome home place would remain ours. I failed my child. The same day that his Dad picked my Son up, his Father called Child Protective Services trying to get us some help. That didn’t work, and neither did my call to Adult Protective Services. In fact, Adult Protective Services said that I didn’t look disabled and the worker felt I was just spoiled. I am still now homeless and without my child although a terrific mother. In addition to that, the court removed me and all of our belongings one day prior to the date on the eviction order. No money, no job, no car, no friends, no family, and without my child our my feline children, I have lost everything. I have applied for Social Security although one more label is the very last thing that I might need one more of. The additional paperwork is due on the 5th of January but I need help filling it out and no one seems to be around and willing to help me with it. However, the local librarians are all very lovely. Every single resource that I have called for advocacy,shelter, cash assistance, housing assistance, each requires something that I am now without, waiting on, disqualified for, etc. My childhood experience was irratic, my educational experience was irratic, my family life has always been chaos, I had twenty one jobs before I turned twenty one, and now an adult, LORD LET ME BREATHE!!!!! Not one person in this lifetime has yet to accept me with the tolerance, compassion, understanding, nor positive affirmations that I to them extend. I am far from perfect, DUH!, I am human, but I adapt well to accomdate everyone else here. Not one more person needs to tell me everything that is wrong, different, odd, age inappropriate, or off with me, I have lived all of my life picked on, punished, ignored, directed, intolerated, dismissed, and although my Son and I are two of the most honest, patient, and kind people I know, I swear everyone but Me can see the rubber stamp embedded on my forehead that reads "LIAR!" Not one time have I been asked how would I like to live? What do I want? What does my unusually creative brain flourish in? Nor does anyone hesitate when I try to salvage any relationship I may have tried with my best attempt to prevail. Had I not taken personality assessments and multiple intelligence tests, I would still think that when its I and the rest of you in this world, I am STUPID! I AM NOT STUPID! Compiling all of the results, I was able to see the connections that confirmed my strengths and my PERSONal AWESOMENESS. I am a rare breed, I am a Visionary with Musical Intelligence. I always loved Music, it’s the only way I know how I feel, but wanting to be a Musician and being parented that Musician is not A REAL JOB, one doubts one's abilities. I am also a Fieldmarshal, and Im crossed between a Chief and an Advocate. Maybe I am floundering when it comes to taking care of myself, but with all of these extraordinary and unusual abilities, I know how to take care of other people. Money, Time, Economic Stability, Resources, Security, Planning and a Supportive Environment are all that I lack and are all things that I need for myself and for my Son for us to feel safe and secure enough to allow or abilities to flourish. I want the two of us to be given the opportunity to live the best, most incredible life we both deserve and have dreamt up and held onto for so long. I have so much to accomplish, so many contributions to make, and so many desires for community, inclusivity, the arts, recreation, leisure, and luxury, and I would like for all of my experience to have been enough for my Son and I to never have to be this "UNWELCOMED" ever again. I want to change my name. I no longer want the last name Hammer. This year, my son is convinced that Santa is no longer real. Help Me, so he can see that Mom said "Miracles" happen and they did, even though every one in the world told her and I that they couldn't. Thank you! ++++ xoxoxo jeni
To Jenni "Hammer" or whatever you decide to call yourself<
You are not unaccepted! You are accepted for who you are, the wonderful mother you are, by everyone here! I cried when i read your post and will keep you in my prayers, that you will find someone to help to and your son, who doesn't disappoint you, an who can accept you for the unique individual that you are. You will find acceptance here, please come back!
